Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

David thought the place had a casual, old-school feel to it, something homelike even, that would help her feel at ease. Besides, too many first dates are wasted on fancy restaurants with exorbitant prices and pretentious-tasting meals that never kept you full long enough. Also, what if the date is a total bust? Better to start out small, see if she’s worth it, then take it up a scale on the fifth date or so and bring her to somewhere super nice. No, first dates should definitely be humble, relaxed. But now, as they shifted on the sticky red pleather swivel chairs that squeaked with every movement, he wondered if he had taken the casual thing a little too far. The place didn’t even have menus. The selections were etched in sloppy script on a blackboard above the counter, where they had just ordered their meals – two double-cheeseburgers, one with American cheese and one with Swiss, a large order of fries, one Dr. Pepper and one Diet Coke.
She smiled meekly as their food was brought over by a waiter in a red apron and cargo shorts stained with ketchup. The food was in a plastic thatched basket lined with tissue paper, and the grease of the burgers had dampened the paper until it was see-through. The fries were placed between them, and were clearly already drenched in salt; the tiny particles glistened on them like a sheet of snow. She picked up a fry, wiped the salt off with her forefinger, and chewed it tentatively.
“Good?” He asked stupidly.
“Mmm,” she said, still chewing.
He picked up his burger. The stale bun was cracked on top, its little crusted arteries swarming around the sesame seeds. As he brought the burger to his mouth, a mixture of grease and melted cheese plopped onto the table. The congealed mess made her cringe, and he quickly put down his burger and reached over to the napkin dispenser.
“Oops,” he said, and quickly wiped up the mess. “Well, I’ll take a greasy burger over a burned one any day. Nothing worse than feeling like you’re eating charcoal.”
She giggled politely. “That’s true.” She took the bun off her burger and slowly removed the onions that had settled into the cheese. He watched her with interest.
“Not an onion fan?”
“Nah, not too much.” She replaced the bun. She picked up the massive sandwich and surveyed it for an entry point that would make the least amount of mess. Finally, she took the smallest bite he had ever seen, quickly put down the burger, and chose to return to the plate of fries.
“How is it?” he asked. “This place is supposed to make really tasty burgers.”
“It’s pretty good,” she said. “I’m just working up my appetite.” She sipped her Diet Coke.
“Let me give it a go,” he said. He brought his burger up to his mouth and took a hearty bite, leaving a ring of ketchup and mayo around his mouth. The bun was bland, but gave way to a salty, greasy conglomeration of juicy meat and melted cheese, which was the kind of thing that tasted good at the moment, but you knew you were setting yourself up for an upset stomach in about an hour. He chose to focus on the immediate taste rather than its future adverse effects, and followed his first bite with another of the same magnitude.
“This,” he said between mouthfuls, “is the way a burger should taste!” He nodded towards her burger. “Go ahead, take a bigger bite, I know you can do better than that.”
In the meantime, she had taken to wiping the salt off multiple French fries and making a small pile for herself, at the moment there were about 6. “Don’t worry, I’ll get there,” she said. “But keep it up, the grease looks good on you.”



- LAP etc.

Reasons Like Seasons, They Constantly Change. And Seasons of Last Year, Like Reasons, Have Floated Away

A young woman was sitting on one of Washington Square Park’s many wooden benches, talking avidly to her friend, who was wearing a wide-rimmed beige hat that bobbed gently with the passing breeze. They were both bent over a fashion magazine, flipping through its glossy pages, and dog-earing their favorite parts. It was sunny and around lunchtime, and as they sat together on a bench, they were approached by an older man wearing tattered clothes, fingerless gloves and a red bandana to hold back his tousled hair.
“Ma’am,” he said, “would you happen to have any extra food?”
The two women were taken aback, and turned to look at each other. The woman in the hat then turned back to the man and shook her head.
“No, I don’t.”
The man looked at her friend. “How about you, ma’am?”
The woman smirked and raised an eyebrow. “No, neither of us have food.”
The man remained still for a moment, then nodded his head. They expected him to walk away at this point, but to their confusion, he remained standing a few paces away from them for what seemed like a solid minute and a half. During this time, the two women didn’t speak, and awkwardly tried to ignore his gaze by turning their attention back to the magazine. They flipped through the pages noisily and quickly, hoping the noise might cause him to scatter. Finally the man slowly backed up and walked in the other direction. When he was out of earshot, the two women laughed out loud.
“What the hell was that all about?” said the woman in the hat. “Doesn’t he understand that no means no?”
“I’m telling you,” said her friend, “the people in this park get crazier every damn day. What nerve!”
“You know what I noticed about homeless people around here? They try to play on your emotions. They stumble over and bother us for food, and once we refuse, they act as if standing there all sad and mute would get us to change our minds. I’m sorry, but there’s no reason for anyone to be homeless. Walk into a fucking McDonalds and get a janitor job, how hard is it?”
The woman laughed. “Seriously. It’s sad to see people in that situation, but truth be told, they did it to themselves. And then they have the audacity to ask me for food? Why would I waste the food I bought with my hard-earned money on a complete stranger?”
“I know. And it’s not like we’re rolling in resources ourselves.”
They shrugged, and the woman in the hat turned back to the magazine. While she did this, her friend looked at a group of squirrels scuttling around the pavement in front of her, their jerking bodies moving in erratic circles. Smiling at their crazy dance, she reached into her purse and pulled out a bag of peanuts, and began to toss them outward to feed the squirrels.




- LAP etc.